A Bad Wakeup, Starring Ottie, My Big Boned Golden Retriever
The story of a very peculiar dog and the also peculiar circumstances of his owner.
Juliana came walking up the beach towards me with both of our drinks. She still had her Miss Colombia sash on. She liked wearing her heels to the beach. I wasn’t sure how she walked in them. But whatever she wanted, I was good with.
She got to our beach chairs, leaned down, handed me my drink, and with a kiss said, “Hello Husband.”
Returning a smile, “Hello Wife — thank you.”
It was a perfect honeymoon. The beaches had white sand. The waves were crashing. Our sailboat was anchored just a couple of hundred feet into the water.
As we both sat in our beach chairs, the sun was slowly covered by clouds.
“Oh shoot hun, the sun might be done for the day.”
Thunder echoed across the sky. Staring upwards through my sunglasses, I noticed small objects drifting down.
Slowly, hundred dollar bills began falling around us.
“Hmm, it is raining money again! How bout that babe?”
Juliana jumped up, started laughing and trying to catch the bills as her swimsuit struggled to hang on.
I smiled and enjoyed it; it could never last.
The wind picked up. The bills started blowing past her. A faint stink began to grow in the breeze.
She looked at me, “Papi! What is that smell?”
It got worse. I began to gag. “What in god’s name was that wretched odor?”, I growled.
My eyes opened, just slightly.
And in front of my face, only one foot away, was Ottie’s open, stinky, panting mouth, with his long tongue hanging out the side.
Ottie, my big, fat, beautiful golden retriever. Ottie, with eyes always half-closed and a sleepy, dumb, lovable stare marked by a perpetual smile.
My temples immediately started throbbing. My mouth was dry.
I had just entered hangover alley. Payback was due and would be paid in full, immediately.
“What...do…you… want?” I muttered softly.
Kitty litter clean. No more rocks in sand. Where my normal food.
Licking the inside of my dry mouth, I whispered, “No, Ottie, I poured you a huge bowl yesterday. You should have more in there. You are on a diet. Doctors’ orders.”
All gone. No more.
“I’m hungover. Please let me sleep.” Closing my eyes, I tried to will the dream to come back.
I rolled my feet on the ground and walked to the kitchen. His paws clapped against the ground behind me, almost like the sound of heels. I poured him another bowl of dry food. Grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge, I walked back to the bedroom.
And then, I stopped in the doorway.
“Who is that?” I thought.
A woman lay on the other side of my bed, her back facing me. And she was definitely naked.
“What have I gotten myself into?” I thought.
I remembered going out with friends. I remembered drinking a lot. But I didn’t remember going home with anyone.
It wasn’t a terrible problem to have. But it was tacky. All I needed was a panicked call from a friend in a Mexican jail, and this Hangover sequel would be complete.
I reckoned I would go back to sleep and figure it out later. I inched down slowly on to the bed, being careful not to wake her up. I pulled the sheets back over me. I took a few swigs of water and closed my eyes.
“Sandy beaches, sandy beaches.” I thought.
About a minute passed. I could already feel myself slipping back into a dream.
Opening my eyes, Ottie was back.
We stared at each other.
No meat sauce on food.
“Ottie,” I whispered. “We’ve been through this, no more beef sauce. By decree of your vet, your weight is out of control.”
I need beef sauce. No beef. Can’t eat.
Why not? You give girl the beef. Why not give me beef sauce?
Staring daggers at him from my pillow, I nodded “No”.
He breathed a sigh.
Not love. I knew it. No meat no love.
“I do love you!”
Suddenly I felt arms wrap around me from behind. The girl whispered into my ear, “Ahh that is so sweet baby. A bit sooner than I thought. But guess what? I love you too.”
My face drained and my eyes went wide.
Ha! You a stupid aren’t you! A Stupid, a stupid you are. Where’s my meat sauce?