Humor

If Famous Historical Figures Had Tinder Bios

“So how do you feel about emperors?”

Pic via Istock Photos

A Time Traveler visited me last month.

It started with a beaming light in my bedroom window. I jogged to my backyard.

There he was.

Standing by his machine: tall, handsome, in a brown leather vest, with circular glasses. He noticed me glaring at my new St. Augustine grass, which was now singed black.

“My apologies good sir. I’ll compensate you in kind...” He extended his hand my way.

“What do you want?” I said as I begrudgingly shook his hand.

He explained his business model. He travels back in time to help historical figures swipe Tinder on present-day people. Apparently, their dating pool is a bit limited, and “future partners” are all the craze.

He added, “I saw you write both history and dating articles. Maybe you could help me with my clients?”

I scrunched my eyebrows, “But why me?”

He continued, “You seem to know them already. And, per your catfishing article, you seem to know how to role-play.”

I mulled it over. I had a lot of technical questions about his trade. I also wondered if this was the best use of a time machine.

But, hey?

A paying customer is a paying customer. So I agreed to write the bios, under the stipulation that none would be used for Hitler (I have enough bad karma already).

We moved forward.

Leonardo DaVinci — My typical Friday night is spent hanging from the ceiling, painting. Yes, I’ll paint you like a French girl. Unfortunately, it will be a platonic gesture, for a very fundamental reason (I’m gay).

William Shakespeare — Call me Bill. Very fluent in sarcasm. Aspiring writer. Hopeless romantic. If things work out, I’ll write a play about you. If things don’t work out, I’ll still write a play about you, with a very different ending.

Jesus — Full-time carpenter. Just seeing what’s out there. Friendship only. No hookups. Great abs. I’m the man you’ve been praying for.

Random Caveman — Tinder help start fire? How about Match? Like backhair. Have backhair. Spend Friday nights in Man Cave. Paint you like a paleolithic girl. On wall.

Beethoven — My friends describe me as the silent brooding type. A fan of music. I may not be broke. But I’m very baroque <wink. wink> Not the best listener. But we can work around that.

Abraham Lincoln — Looking for the perfect union. Love plays. *cough* 6’4 *cough* I’m not as angry as I look in my photos. They told me not to smile.

Charles Darwin — If you like to “travel and see new things”, I’m your guy. Per my own theory of natural selection, I’d like to meet quality specimens.

Julius Caesar Career oriented, upwardly mobile politician. I love traveling, particularly when it’s to acquire new land. Interested in empresses, queens, already-married, or a prostitute, step right this way. No relation to Caesar salads.

Jane Austen — Very introverted. Many of your ex's favorite movies are my fault. Life is short, particularly mine, so don’t waste my time.

Napoleon — Hello ladies. Tired of men lying about their height? Fear not. If you dig super tall dudes come this way. I am 6'3. Yes, verified 6'3. Totally 75 inches. 190.5 cm. As high as a Medium Christmas tree. As long as a yoga mat. As tall as a bullwhip. With a Napoleon Complex to boot. #truth

George Washington — I love striking majestic poses on boats. Gonna light Instagram on fire. If you dig men who own land and write top-notch love letters, I’m your guy. Must love dogs.

Sir Isaac Newton — Haven’t dated in a while. Was too busy discovering calculus, telescopes, gravity, the 3 Laws of Motion, and Modern Science. I’m ready to “fall in love” and I’m also the reason that phrase has a literal interpretation.

Nikola Tesla —Apparently, I’m going to die a virgin. Trying to change that, with the right person of course. An engineer by trade. I love trying new things, literally. So I’ll name an invention after you if you sleep with me. Elon Musk will be driving a Sarah instead. Fluent in 8 languages. Yo hablo Espanol.

Noah — Looking for a god-fearing woman. I have an extremely busy career. My boss is very demanding and lots of people depend on me. I can’t get into the details. But I need help. I suggest you date me if you want to live. Must love animals, and boats.

Einstein — Sapiosexuals step right this way. Not really into gossip. Let’s talk about ideas. #cousinsarefairgame Forgive my hair. Every day is a bad hair day for me.

Queen Elizabeth 1 — Seeing what’s out there. I’m not sure who came up with the term “virgin queen” because it is quite the contrary and I offer no apologies. Judge me, lose your head. Hookups ✓✓✓

I saw a flash outback. The time traveler was back!

I walked outside, eager to greet him.

His feet were planted into the ground. One eye was black and swollen.

He growled, “The queen wishes to speak with you about her bio.”

I smiled, “How about I just PayPal that money back to you?”

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Quality over quantity. That guy from Quora. Enjoy? Follow for more. https://seanjkernan.substack.com/ Open to gigs www.seanjkernan.com

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