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Humor | Relationships
An Introvert Boyfriend’s Guide to Not Ruining a Party
How to be a good partner when it counts.
“Hey, want to go to Amanda’s party?”
You know how to respond.
You had this fight already. You agreed to be more social. You’ve already feigned every illness in the book. You even gave yourself food poisoning to get out of a wedding.
“Sure, why not? When is it?”
“Saturday at 7 PM. Lots of friends will be there! We don’t have to get there right at 7.”
“Great. Can’t wait.”
Saturday at 7:01 PM
You hear the party from three blocks away.
Thumping baselines and screeching screams cut through your window. You hear some dude repeatedly shouting “I know!”
The door opens with a blast of hot and humid air. You see a chest-to-chest crowd of people. They look like a smiling crowd trying to escape a burning building.
She said it would be just a few people.
It’s OK.
You are just happy to be here, spending time together. And that’s how you feel about that.
Your radar immediately sees a beautiful, uninhabited L-shaped vanilla couch. It whispers seductively into your mind, “Sit over here you magnificent bastard. I’ll let you play on your phone.”
The empty closet to your left says, “Oh hey there, handsome. Want to come to play 90-minutes of heaven by yourself?
Turn to your girlfriend and say, “This party looks great!”
7:02 PM
A man shouts your name from the other side of the room. It’s Rod. Oh no.
He shouts your name again, “Is that you!?”
It’s you.
It’s Rod, the one who ruined The Lobster by talking loudly during the movie. He tried to predict every scene. He made you pause the movie to talk about the ethics of eating crustaceans.
Smile and be pleasant. Do not die a miserable hermit. Make friends.
