Humor & Satire

I Got Trapped in an Eternal Breakup Loop

Why you should never ask God to make your remote work.

Editorial Rights Purchased from Dieter Meryl via iStock Photos

I’m not a very emotional woman. In fact, I’m not a woman at all. They call me Sean. And I’ve made a mistake.

It started with my first relationship, which started like most, a hostage situation, with her saying, “Everyone dies unless Sean kisses me now.” This is only a slight exaggeration.

I walked into the dressing room and heard the door close behind me. She was standing right there. She approached me, eyes blazing, “Why don’t you like me, Sean.” She was beautiful. I was inexperienced. I’d never kissed a woman, much less a teenaged girl. I stammered and said I did. And so began a traditional lopsided romance, with her in control and me totally smitten.

It ended on more normal terms, through the courage and blunt candor afforded only on AOL instant messenger. Notably, it was 2000. We didn’t have smartphones. Most of us didn’t have phones at all. We got home and bugged each other in chat windows from a shared family computer that we cage-fought siblings to use. We used fun usernames like Kewld00d67, a name that was chosen only because Kewld00d69 was taken.

The beginning was shortly before the end