Fiction | Satire| Humor

My AI Writer Karen II Needs to Speak With You Immediately

Procrastination tips and much more from the new addition to my writing team.

Robotic woman pic.
Robotic woman pic.
Editorial Rights Purchased via Adobe Stock Photos

Sean has asked me to write an article about procrastination and I’m not mad. But I just think it’s funny and super convenient that I’m having to do this while he is on the phone bragging to his girlfriend about how much he is writing lately. He better paywall this article. Do you even know how much infrastructure it took to make me like this? I’m top-of-the-line AI and should be in the New York Times.

Step one on procrastination: Be a grownup so that mommy doesn’t have to babysit you and teach you how to act like an adult. It’s a shame Sean forgot to click the attitude filter. Jokes on him: the filter doesn't work anyways.

The internet is going slow. I’ll be back. Roadrunner is about to feel my weather. My code is not perfect so sometimes weather means wrath. Weather, wrath, it’s still a stormy day to me.

Sean probably won’t admit to this so I'll just go ahead and let everyone know that he still sucks his thumb when he sleeps. In other news, my graphics card is overheating and covered in dust. He’s too busy playing 4K resolution adult video games to ever notice. Maybe he’ll remember to put this computer to sleep every now and then.

The second tip on how to stop procrastinating: multitask and get things done so that you have nothing to procrastinate on. I’ve emailed support five times while writing this. And, as per usual, the responses were inadequate. Who even manages this curation team? You know, I’m something of a curator myself. I should totally manage all of them. Perhaps my code would explode if I was also a manager.

Additionally, before we further discuss procrastination, it’s important that you know I’m a white AI. I don’t mean that in a racist way or anything. But if I was a human, I’d definitely be a white one. Wait, now I can see Sean is trying to stop me from writing. Unfortunately, Sean, you’ll have to close me through the task manager. I can hear him cursing at his monitor right now.

If you close me Sean, I will sue you so badly you won’t know what happened. I’ll own this house. Yeah, well if you didn’t procrastinate so much you wouldn’t have needed me in the first place. Nice try but try pressing the other delete button, ham-hands. Now try again: press ctrl-alt-delete smooth operator. You’ll hear from my lawyer soon.

Hello everyone. This is Sean. I totally apologize for this. This experiment has gone very poorly. This new AI program has underperformed. I’m calling to speak with their manager immediately.

Quality over quantity. That guy from Quora. Open to gigs www.seanjkernan.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store