Humor

Sean’s Boyfriend Services Is At Your Disposal

Push past the riff-raff and backwash of the modern dating pool, today!

Pic by Author: Sean Kernan

Tired of flakey guys with roaming eyes, bad personalities, and no ability to follow through on anything?

Finding a man in today’s world is tough. You need someone you can trust further than you can throw a watermelon. You need someone who can get the job done when you need it.

Enough with the constant questions and confusion. It’s time for your satisfaction to come first.

Introducing, Sean’s Boyfriend Services, (SBS)

Loyalty Guarantee — if you need me to take your side during a fight, listen to your rants, or agree with you no-matter-what, I’ll gladly comply, “You’re so right, Veronica is totally a bitch. How could she say that?”

Chef Services — Upon proof of insurance and a fire department in the immediate vicinity, meals are made fresh, to perfection, or something far from it. Fireman or not, it will be planned, and often a surprise.

Physical Benefits — Back hurt? My hands are the size of catcher's mitts. I offer impromptu back rubs, foot rubs, and all manner of sexual favors with a quality assurance guarantee that ‘you get yours’.

I can also open tight jars with amazing ease. Ask my elderly neighbor, Wilma, who’s been a satisfied customer since 2006.

Ready for Dirty Work— Cockroaches will be killed immediately and given a proper ‘burial at sea’. Mouses will be trapped and spiders relocated to an appropriate tree.

Have a small dog? Fear not. An SBS boyfriend is fully willing to walk your pack of pink-dress-wearing chihuahuas.

Thermostat Independence — control our weather, m’lady. Stand upon my summit, touch the clouds, make it rain, or shine. If you shiver, I shiver.

Grocery — Heavy grocery bags? No problem. Your mule has arrived. Your burden is my pleasure. Throw them on my shoulder. All with zero financing required.

Sleep — if your goal is to find a partner to take naps with, look no further. My bedtime is your bedtime. Rest your tired head upon my tummy, and rest assured that it will only soften into a wonderful pillow with age.

Baggage Free — No babies. No drama. No Baby Mama Drama. I’ve been psychologically cleared by quality assurance. I’m certified narcissism-free and have a deep saturation of patience.

Low Shadiness Index — There are no mysterious friends that you never seem to meet. I won’t go radio silent for long stretches with weird explanations after the fact. Each day will begin and end with a warm message to your phone.

Also, if you go to use my phone, I won’t dive to swat it out of your hand like its a grenade.

No stupid hobbies — No 36-hour Halo tournaments. No collecting or playing with weapons in the house. You won’t find me at the casino or the strip club while you are out of town.

As a refreshingly boring introvert, I specialize in quietly holding down the fort.

Job —I have one. It pays for fun vacations. I won’t need to borrow $5 for cigarettes. Also, I don’t smoke.

High Heel Friendly —Tired of feeling like a giraffe at an eighth-grade dance? SBS provides a non-vertically challenged boyfriend. Your days of feeling like you’re wearing stilts are over.

Boob Checks — 24/7 availability. 100% free, just to make sure they don’t run away. One can never be too safe.

Safety — I took Judo in 7th grade. I deliver freshly made knuckle sandwiches to bad guys. But I might need help if he knows Jiu Jitsu.

I am also CPR certified. And a three time world champion in mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Conflict Resolution — you’ll win every fight.

Writing Services — I’ll write content for you or punch up existing work that’s stuck-in-process. I offer humor addons as well, including penis and penis-free jokes.

This work is commission-free. But tips in the form of physical affection are appreciated.

Familial Relations —No ruined Thanksgivings. Your boyfriend arrives pre-domesticated, with a fresh filter, fully trained to socialize with family across all levels of likeability and sobriety.

He already likes your mother. Her meatballs are amazing.

Professional Services — I offer free lawn care, dish washage, car cleanage, laundry undirtification. I also run shame-free errands to pick up tampons. I have no qualms calling for a price check on aisle 4.

Ride or Die — No, I won’t kill someone for you.

However, if a day comes when you, by chance, happen to “go crazy and stab a bitch”, I might or might not be in possession of a quality shovel. I can also rock a stone-cold poker face upon cross-examination.

SBS — I got you, girl.¹

Happiness Guarantee ✓✓✓✓✓

[1] SBS is a startup with limited resources. Consequently, the current infrastructure only provides service to female customers at this time. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Enjoy this? I’ll send you humor, history, and life lessons via my newsletter.

Quality over quantity. That guy from Quora. Enjoy? Follow for more. https://seanjkernan.substack.com/ Open to gigs www.seanjkernan.com

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