Humor | Fiction | Satire

Steve Regrets Posting His Job on LinkedIn

How a job was met with an unwelcome response.

Man smiling during a job interview.
Man smiling during a job interview.
Editorial Rights Purchased via Adobe Stock Photos

A post on Linkedin feed pops up by Steve, a product design manager at Google.

“Hello everyone. I’m currently recruiting for a programming role for my team at Google. This will be a fast-paced position in a rapidly growing sector. Please send me a message directly and include your resume, a reference, and a brief description of your interest in working for Google.

I look forward to hearing from you.”

Reply one

Greetings Steve,

I’d love to work for Google! I’m an expert in Google. In fact, I’m so passionate about it that I use it several times a day and understand the advanced search feature.

I have a bachelor’s degree in history and a master’s degree in art. But I’m a quick learner and will adapt quite well, with little hand-holding of course. No, I don’t know any coding languages, but I do know morse code which I could integrate as a skillset that would add value.

Please see my attached resume.

Reference: Mother

Reply Two

Hi Steve,

I am interested in this role. I have a master’s degree in computer engineering and have mastered the most known programming languages. Seem like a great fit? I think so too.

In my free time, I attend white nationalist rallies. I’m an avid consumer of literature surrounding the diversity myth. I’m also an active member of my local klan meetings. I’m excellent at sewing, particularly with white cloth. Additionally, my friends and I enjoy leaving comments and trolling the author of this piece.

Please see the attached resume.

Reference: Adolf Hitler (Number available upon request)

Reply three

Hi Steve,

I have absolutely no interest in programming. The subject bores me. If you hire me, I’ll play on Facebook for most working hours. If you let me touch your code, which I recommend you don’t, I will cause irreparable damage. During the review process, you might find various approvals with your forged signature on them.

I’ll spread false rumors for my own enjoyment. I’ll attempt to micromanage people that don’t work for me. I’ll mill around at the printer and crack jokes. I’ll always be late. I’ll try to sleep with my coworkers. If I succeed, don’t worry, I’ll give everyone the play-by-play in the breakroom. I’ll even do it using my excellent Morgan Freeman impersonation.

I’ll be mildly hungover on most days and step outside for a quick sippy sip between meetings. If you need someone to haze the interns and show them who is boss, I am your guy. I will rule over those petulant little piss ants and make them kneel and kiss my ring and rue the day they ever chose to set foot inside of my doors. Oh, believe-you-me, they will feel my hellfire — pure domination. There will be no safeword. Also, I’m honest.

Warm regards,

Bob

Hello Bob,

At this time, we have decided to close this job opening. But we do wish you the best of luck in future endeavors.

-Steve

Quality over quantity. That guy from Quora. Open to gigs www.seanjkernan.com

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