HUMOR (Fake Ads)
Yes, You Definitely Need Bulletproof Flower Pots
A new product offering that will change your botanical experience.
I felt the soft and silent press of the sun on my face.
The melodic chirps of a mockingbird danced down from the high branch of a southern live oak. His “come hither” performance had been my background music on that beautiful Sunday afternoon.
I pulled my thick and oversized gardening gloves down over my hands. I used my elbow to wipe the sweat off my forehead.
From my kneeling position, I grabbed another handful of gardening soil and placed it in a pot. I patted it down softly around the young, purple petunia.
Feeling quite satisfied, I placed my hands on the outside of the pot and lifted it up. Standing, I carried it carefully, much like a hot pot of soup, and headed to a perfect spot on the front corner of my porch.
But, as I was halfway to the spot, there was a sudden, loud pop.
Dirt sprayed in my face and shirt. I heard the pot shatter across the ground like broken glass. Wiping the dirt out of my eyes, I looked down to see the still-unharmed petunia on the ground with its roots extended outwards from a clump of dirt.
I let out a deep sigh, “Not again. Why. Why. Why.”
I took my gloves off and threw them down at the ground. I stepped over the debris and walked to my front door.
And just as I got there, a hanging flower pot above my head exploded, shooting more dirt on me as it fell to the ground below.
My face seared with heat as anger pulsed with the thumping of my heart.
Stepping through the doorway, I headed to the kitchen.
I brought water to my face as I leaned over my kitchen sink. My girlfriend came in and saw me covered in dirt. She said, “Hun, what happened?”
With another deep sigh, I said, “Babe. The snipers are back.”
She let her shoulders down, “Not again. It’s only been two weeks!”
Does this scene sound familiar? Are you tired of snipers ruining your botanical passion?
Are you tired of exploding flower pots, damaged roots, wasted time on your favorite Sunday activity? Well, you aren’t alone. Today, we have a solution that will change your life.
Ricochet Brands is happy to present the Dingdonkdoonk™ collection of bulletproof flower pots. Rather than watching your pot explode, you’ll only hear a minor ding, as that 300 Winchester Magnum fails his owner for the first time.
Your ties to the Russian mafia no longer have to come at the expense of your peaceful gardening.
But what’s that you say? It must be expensive?
Well, because our product is made of graphene, which is 8–12 times more resistant to traditional kevlar, the price tag of $99.99 might seem high.
But because the holidays are coming up, and snipers are out in full force, we’ve decided to do very special pricing.
Today, if you buy one flower pot, we’ll include:
Six free flower pots!*
Life is all about priorities. And when snipers are popping shots at you, it can cause you to reevaluate what’s important. We all want the best for our flowers.
But if you don’t feel like waiting, feel free to order from your local Target using the coupon code HAHAUMISSED39, and you will be entitled to a free T-shirt!
“Since getting my bulletproof flower pots, I no longer live in fear of botanical mediocrity. Sure, a bullet bounced off my pot and nuked the songbird in a puff of feathers. But at least I didn’t have to clean up another broken flower pot.”
Thank you, Dingdonkdoonk™.
*299.99 shipping and handling. If snipers are in your trees, please call a local arborist.